[obviously outdated as it was written in June of ’07, but some funny stuff nonetheless]

I’ve been keeping “In Touch” and felt the overwhelming need to revisit the lifestyles of the bitch and infamous. Hey, it keeps me amused and without the help of stylists, personal trainers, a personal chef, and an entourage of assistants – I have to keep a sense of humor somehow. I mean truly, how do these people live if they don’t have someone around to wipe their asses lest their perfect manicures get marred? Volunteers? Anyone? Anyone?

Okay…on with the show.

Let’s talk about the magic of the celebrity “post baby body”. Get a good look at Brooke Burke lately? Yeah, I’m not sure who the hell she is or why she’s famous either but Holy Bounce Back, Batman! She’s got a 5 month old and the body of an 18 year old. Nary a stretch mark or lump of cellulite in sight. I have developed a theory that all celebrity mommies who look like this after anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months have actually used a surrogate and are all wearing expandable, attachable “bumps” for the paparazzi. You know I’m convinced that Katie Holmes did it!

And while we’re at it…latest look at Katie Holmes reveals that she’s turned into a clone of her BFF and fellow Scientologist, Scary Spice! Oh, wait…Posh Spice. Riiiight. Scary Spice was the good looking one. Anyhoo – feed that girl a Porterhouse and let her off the chain already! And Tom…go find a good boyfriend, will you? Maybe you and John Travolta could hook up – he looks amazing in drag. And you thought only Divine could pull off Edna Turnblad!

I’m still amazed at the number of dishrags that are flaunting cover stories of the stick thin and nearly dead. Who doesn’t already get it that these Hollowood starlets and wannabes KNOW they are starving themselves and all it does is get them more publicity? Mary Kate Olsen now looks like a combination of Jack Skellington and Morticia Adams! And pregnancy rumors surround Nicole Richie because of her “bump”! Can we all say…”malnutrition”? She looks like (pardon the comparison as oh so inappropo) a Biafra baby! Hey, stop throwing tomatoes, I know what I just said.

And this I love…celebrities caught without makeup. Q’uelle horreur! The American public didn’t KNOW that it takes a half gallon of greasepaint and spackle to look that good? Even I use a garden trowel in the morning just to be nearly presentable and I’m not being followed around by a bunch of ogling tourists or paparazzi hounds. Okay, so Madonna was caught looking her age – she’s almost 50 for Heaven’s sake! Cut the woman some slack already – she can dance circles around some of those younger bimbettes (such as my favorite target – Britney Smears).

Moving on…

Rosie O’Donnell left The View. Surprised? There was some funny shit going on between Rosie and The Donald (gotta love her schtick with the comb over) but who thought she could sit quietly with ultra conservative and seriously mousy Elizabeth Hasntgotherback? Don’t dis your castmates if they are big enough and mean enough to sit on you and squash you like a bug. Run, Elizabeth, run! Now I hear that Rosie may be taking over for the finally retiring Bob Barker on The Price is Right. Can’t they just retire the show? How in the hell will she use her wit and sarcasm to revive that one? Hey, miracles happen…Bob DID retire, right?

And, finally…are Carmen Electra and Joan Jett an item or not? Photos show some heavy canoodling but her reps are denying any lesbian attachément. Regardless, it looks as though Carm’s ex, Dave Navarro has decided that if she’s going to do the nasty with an older woman then he’s getting into the game to bump some serious uglies with none other than Flavor Flav’s former flame, Brigitte Nielson.

Can we just end this with one big….ewwwwwwwwww?