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[outdated to May ’07, but some of this stuff is “tabloid timeless”]

Arnold Schwarzenager, Governor of California (now there’s something you never thought you’d ever say together in one sentence) has refused to pardon Paris Hilton for her sentenced prison term. I, for one, can’t wait to see the daily life of Paris in Prison. I’m hoping it comes out as a really good Butch/Femme porn. How many bulldykes does it take to make Paris their bitch? Will she trade cigarettes to avoid mopping the floors? Will she actually eat the food or is she planning to have the Zone deliver to her cell every day? Will she turn her prison blues into a miniskirt and wear it commando for the attention of the press that is sure to flock outside the exercise yard? Or will she take the Martha Stewart approach and redesign her cell with pink silk, pratesi sheets, and a good flokati rug? I’m betting she lasts about two weeks and is let out for good behavior. Or sucking off the warden. That’s Hot!

Britney. How long does it take hair to grow out to a length that is presentable in pubic, er…I mean public…before you can ditch those hideous Sally Beauty Supply wigs? This ho’s got money -she can’t afford to have her stylist get her some decent hair? Go the G.I. Jane route and show off that stubble, girl! It worked for Demi! I mean, really, REALLY worked. Ahem…I digress.

The tabloids are touting the “thin to healthy” craze that Hollowwood is embracing now. Let’s see – pin thin Nicole Richie (former bff of aforementioned Paris Hilton’s dog Tinkerbell) has gained a whopping ten pounds and is now volunteering at a local La La Land foodbank charity. Evidently by giving the food right out of her mouth. Blue Crush star and former gf of the lovely and more than healthy Orlando Bloom, Kate Bosworth has ballooned up to 105 lbs. She’s 5’5 people. I’m 5’4 and at my lowest weight (yeah, until I hit that 30 year milestone that signals the attack of your metabolism or lack thereof) was 103. People said my head looked like it would fall off from the stick that was my neck. Healthy, my left ass cheek.

Brangelina are having an affair with a 23 year old model. Where do I sign up to watch? Okay – leave Brad out of it – I just want to see Angelina return to her coots…I mean roots. Bring Jenny Shimizu back and let her round out the Domination of World Culture that is Angie’s family.

Can we just touch on (ahem) the far too revealing trend of leaving one’s panties behind when you go to a club in an ultra mini? You KNOW the papparazzi is going to be shooting every angle when you part your legs and haul ass out of your limo. Basic Instinct is one thing, Basic Poonani is something better left to those who really want to see it up close and personal. Paris, Britney and friends – let me introduce you to my friend Victoria.

And speaking of Victorias…Vickie “Posh Spice” Beckham is moving to the States. She’s now bff with the miserable Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise’s beard. Bad enough that he had to marry her and use a sperm donor as a ruse to cover up his affinity for peeeeenis, but does he have to carry the scientology bit so far that he’s assigned his poor wife her own personal alien? Look at the girl (closely – or not – it doesn’t matter) the eyes? The skin texture? The hair? Area 51 reopened and she escaped. The government has yet to come up with a plausible excuse as to why she’s on the loose so they signed her husband, BenditlikeBeckham, to a U.S. team so that they could get her closer to the chain link fence.