Okay…so a couple of months ago I wrote a blog called “Playing Daddy” because I had to give my kid the masturbation talk. I thought that was bad. Turns out it was a lot easier than the talk we had to have this morning. You know what’s coming right? Heh…that’s right…

Last night Don and I hit the bed around 11 or so and a little talking led to a little smooching which led to A LOT of other things. About 1 a.m. after we’d both cleaned up, gone to the bathroom, etc. we’re back in bed and hear this loud thump. Sounds like Lucas may have fallen out of bed, which would be unusual at his age (reminder – he’s seven) so i go to check on him wearing next to nothing because I assume he’s asleep and I find him face down in his pillows on a totally made bed. Okay, weird. I put him to bed at 8:00 and know for a fact he was under the covers then. I go to wake him up and he’s got this majorly shit eating grin on his face and I tell him he needs to get back under the covers. I snuggle him in, kiss him goodnight and tell him I’ll wake him in the morning.

6:15 a.m. and I’m checking the news when Lucas comes wandering in – wearing that same strange shit eating grin. Okayyyy…a) why is he awake at this hour and b) why does he look like the cat who swallowed the canary? I take him to his room and sit him down because now I’m really, really suspicious and starting to feel a tad sick to my stomach.

Here’s the thing: I cannot lie. Honestly, if you ask me something and I don’t want to tell the truth, I just burst out laughing. I can’t help it. I couldn’t tell a lie if my life depended on it. And THAT gene got handed down to my son without a single mark on it. So I’m asking fairly pointed questions about why he was awake last night, what he heard that woke him up, how long he’d been awake, etc. and he’s looking at everything BUT me. Suspicions confirmed. We’d been totally snagged – en flagrante delicto, if you will. Oh yeah, the crime was blazin’ big time. Door wide open (because normally this kid sleeps like the dead) and yes, the lights were on, and yes, Mommy makes a lot of noise and says things that no one should hear until they are, like, 30. And if, like he says, he was up for about 30 minutes then he could have witnessed any number of unbelievably compromising positions, any one of which could scar a kid for life. No one should see that much of their mother’s anatomy.

I ask Lucas if this THING that he saw/heard would be more embarrassing to him or to me. He points to me and giggles his little ass off. Right. Now I realize I have to do the dirty deed. I so totally had hoped this wouldn’t come up just yet (no puns intended here and there).

me: honey, do you remember the talk we had about things you should do in private that are just for you and no one else?

him: yeah.

me: okay. well then. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…when two adults love each other very much they sometimes like to do things together that feel really good and itmakesalotofnoiseandthatswhyyouheardthebedbangingandmommymakingweirdnoises okay?

him: okay.

me: so it’s like a private thing and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…is there anything else you need to know about me and don having sex?

him: nope.

me: scurries red-faced to the bathroom with the cell phone and relays the entire conversation to Don.

Is it child abuse to chain your kid to his bunkbed and force earplugs on him?