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[Written in November of ’07]

My son is the product of my egg and the sperm of donor BFM9368. He spent the first 5 years of his life in a lesbian household with two moms and now has a mom and a “dad-to-be” who, having had no previous experience with the matter at hand (ahem), it fell to me to have “THE TALK”. Since Lucas is only seven (and I never in my life thought I’d be talking to him about this subject this early) this wasn’t the birds and the bees talk. It was the “spanking the monkey”, “pulling the pud”, “playing with jack rabbit” talk. Oy vey – was I nervous.

So it all started with the “Sam’s Happy Time” scene in Transformers. Yeah, let my kid watch a PG-13 movie and this is what I get. And this is how it went down…

“honey, I need to talk to you in your room. You aren’t in trouble but I need to talk about something important” Heart racing, palms sweating. Just plunge right in. “Have you ever heard of the word masturbation?” blank stare “no”. ooookay. Well, I’m into it now, might as well follow through. I said something about this being a common thing and pretty much everyone does it and he’ll never get in trouble for it but he needs to do it in private…blank stare.

Yeah. “Um…you know how you wake up every morning and your penis is standing up?” He’s bright red and looking in the other direction. Now we’re getting somewhere. I went on to talk to the back of his head. He couldn’t look at me and I was having a really hard time with this. i think I covered all the bases – do it in private, it’s cool, we’ll respect your privacy but it’s something you keep to yourself and you don’t do it with your friends….etc. etc. etc. Then I had to get into the difficult part about the inevitable first wet dream. It’s normal…yada yada yada.

I’m so done with this. i finished up by saying that he could always ask me questions and never be embarrassed but he should always respect my privacy and my private time with Don too. Okay, I wasn’t ready to get into THAT subject so much to his (and my) relief, I let him go back to the regularly scheduled program already in progress.

I hope I don’t have to have the actual SEX talk for awhile. I mean, he IS only seven. But, then again, he’s MY son and if the apple doesn’t fall far from the forbidden tree then I’m in trouble for sure. Just put a wrapper on it at all times or I’m installing a chastity belt. This kid is college bound and I’ll be damned if he’s going to be a father at 16. But that, hopefully, is a story for several years from now.

In the meantime, I’m going back to Mommy mode and resuming my lullabies and kissing of the boo-boos and hoping that I didn’t just hand my kid an instruction manual in the art of jerking off.