Celebrity Death Match I

[outdated to May '07, but some of this stuff is "tabloid timeless"]

Arnold Schwarzenager, Governor of California (now there’s something you never thought you’d ever say together in one sentence) has refused to pardon Paris Hilton for her sentenced prison term. I, for one, can’t wait to see the daily life of Paris in Prison. I’m hoping it comes out as a really good Butch/Femme porn. How many bulldykes does it take to make Paris their bitch? Will she trade cigarettes to avoid mopping the floors? Will she actually eat the food or is she planning to have the Zone deliver to her cell every day? Will she turn her prison blues into a miniskirt and wear it commando for the attention of the press that is sure to flock outside the exercise yard? Or will she take the Martha Stewart approach and redesign her cell with pink silk, pratesi sheets, and a good flokati rug? I’m betting she lasts about two weeks and is let out for good behavior. Or sucking off the warden. That’s Hot!

Britney. How long does it take hair to grow out to a length that is presentable in pubic, er…I mean public…before you can ditch those hideous Sally Beauty Supply wigs? This ho’s got money -she can’t afford to have her stylist get her some decent hair? Go the G.I. Jane route and show off that stubble, girl! It worked for Demi! I mean, really, REALLY worked. Ahem…I digress.

The tabloids are touting the “thin to healthy” craze that Hollowwood is embracing now. Let’s see – pin thin Nicole Richie (former bff of aforementioned Paris Hilton’s dog Tinkerbell) has gained a whopping ten pounds and is now volunteering at a local La La Land foodbank charity. Evidently by giving the food right out of her mouth. Blue Crush star and former gf of the lovely and more than healthy Orlando Bloom, Kate Bosworth has ballooned up to 105 lbs. She’s 5′5 people. I’m 5′4 and at my lowest weight (yeah, until I hit that 30 year milestone that signals the attack of your metabolism or lack thereof) was 103. People said my head looked like it would fall off from the stick that was my neck. Healthy, my left ass cheek.

Brangelina are having an affair with a 23 year old model. Where do I sign up to watch? Okay – leave Brad out of it – I just want to see Angelina return to her coots…I mean roots. Bring Jenny Shimizu back and let her round out the Domination of World Culture that is Angie’s family.

Can we just touch on (ahem) the far too revealing trend of leaving one’s panties behind when you go to a club in an ultra mini? You KNOW the papparazzi is going to be shooting every angle when you part your legs and haul ass out of your limo. Basic Instinct is one thing, Basic Poonani is something better left to those who really want to see it up close and personal. Paris, Britney and friends – let me introduce you to my friend Victoria.

And speaking of Victorias…Vickie “Posh Spice” Beckham is moving to the States. She’s now bff with the miserable Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise’s beard. Bad enough that he had to marry her and use a sperm donor as a ruse to cover up his affinity for peeeeenis, but does he have to carry the scientology bit so far that he’s assigned his poor wife her own personal alien? Look at the girl (closely – or not – it doesn’t matter) the eyes? The skin texture? The hair? Area 51 reopened and she escaped. The government has yet to come up with a plausible excuse as to why she’s on the loose so they signed her husband, BenditlikeBeckham, to a U.S. team so that they could get her closer to the chain link fence.

Celebrity Death Match II

[obviously outdated as it was written in June of '07, but some funny stuff nonetheless]

I’ve been keeping “In Touch” and felt the overwhelming need to revisit the lifestyles of the bitch and infamous. Hey, it keeps me amused and without the help of stylists, personal trainers, a personal chef, and an entourage of assistants – I have to keep a sense of humor somehow. I mean truly, how do these people live if they don’t have someone around to wipe their asses lest their perfect manicures get marred? Volunteers? Anyone? Anyone?

Okay…on with the show.

Let’s talk about the magic of the celebrity “post baby body”. Get a good look at Brooke Burke lately? Yeah, I’m not sure who the hell she is or why she’s famous either but Holy Bounce Back, Batman! She’s got a 5 month old and the body of an 18 year old. Nary a stretch mark or lump of cellulite in sight. I have developed a theory that all celebrity mommies who look like this after anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months have actually used a surrogate and are all wearing expandable, attachable “bumps” for the paparazzi. You know I’m convinced that Katie Holmes did it!

And while we’re at it…latest look at Katie Holmes reveals that she’s turned into a clone of her BFF and fellow Scientologist, Scary Spice! Oh, wait…Posh Spice. Riiiight. Scary Spice was the good looking one. Anyhoo – feed that girl a Porterhouse and let her off the chain already! And Tom…go find a good boyfriend, will you? Maybe you and John Travolta could hook up – he looks amazing in drag. And you thought only Divine could pull off Edna Turnblad!

I’m still amazed at the number of dishrags that are flaunting cover stories of the stick thin and nearly dead. Who doesn’t already get it that these Hollowood starlets and wannabes KNOW they are starving themselves and all it does is get them more publicity? Mary Kate Olsen now looks like a combination of Jack Skellington and Morticia Adams! And pregnancy rumors surround Nicole Richie because of her “bump”! Can we all say…”malnutrition”? She looks like (pardon the comparison as oh so inappropo) a Biafra baby! Hey, stop throwing tomatoes, I know what I just said.

And this I love…celebrities caught without makeup. Q’uelle horreur! The American public didn’t KNOW that it takes a half gallon of greasepaint and spackle to look that good? Even I use a garden trowel in the morning just to be nearly presentable and I’m not being followed around by a bunch of ogling tourists or paparazzi hounds. Okay, so Madonna was caught looking her age – she’s almost 50 for Heaven’s sake! Cut the woman some slack already – she can dance circles around some of those younger bimbettes (such as my favorite target – Britney Smears).

Moving on…

Rosie O’Donnell left The View. Surprised? There was some funny shit going on between Rosie and The Donald (gotta love her schtick with the comb over) but who thought she could sit quietly with ultra conservative and seriously mousy Elizabeth Hasntgotherback? Don’t dis your castmates if they are big enough and mean enough to sit on you and squash you like a bug. Run, Elizabeth, run! Now I hear that Rosie may be taking over for the finally retiring Bob Barker on The Price is Right. Can’t they just retire the show? How in the hell will she use her wit and sarcasm to revive that one? Hey, miracles happen…Bob DID retire, right?

And, finally…are Carmen Electra and Joan Jett an item or not? Photos show some heavy canoodling but her reps are denying any lesbian attachément. Regardless, it looks as though Carm’s ex, Dave Navarro has decided that if she’s going to do the nasty with an older woman then he’s getting into the game to bump some serious uglies with none other than Flavor Flav’s former flame, Brigitte Nielson.

Can we just end this with one big….ewwwwwwwwww?